Feeling Toxic

I love Christmas ever since er... I am conscious my family is celebrating it. Every year, I am looking forward to Christmas break and celebrating Christmas, of course.

But for the first time in my freaking existence, I, somehow, am not too much looking forward to it. It feels so sad that I am more after the break than the celebration and I know I gotta be so so sorry to God for that.

I dunno, but I feel so tired. I feel sad. I feel hollow. I feel to many awful feelings. To the point of feeling nothing at all.

A while ago, I told Gino, Silent water runs deep. And I agree.

And everyone would agree with me that I am a noisy water. But I don't know if anyone would agree with me. But I am noisy not because I am shallow but because I want to cover up the noise coming from deep within.

In one point in time, I agreed with Alpha when she said Christmas season brings depression. Going against the norms, during Christmas, it's not really the material things we get that we value more.

Please...Please God...Let me have what I need, which I don't know exactly what.

I am really not in the festive mood tonight. But I hope, I'd be better soon enough.

I wanna scream until no sound comes out...