I feel lame.

I had no intention at all to write an entry here. I don't even know what to write. Just that, it has been ages since I last posted. More than my blog, it feels like my life is the one that needs updating. I am such a loser.

The reasons why I am not even posting a single letter? Yeah, I have the ultimate feasib excuse (it works me just like the bathroom slip we had in grade school, the ultimate excuse to run along the corridors with an imaginary mark on your forehead "Naiihi ako. Tabi diyan, wag kang haharang harang!" ) and the org stuff (in which I, personally, think am not doing good). But then again, I think hard. Was is it really those things that made me not post anything here? And because I asked myself, therefore, I already know the answer. Is there even a logic to what I said? Never mind. It is logical for me, doesn't mean it is to everybody.

Being busy means two things for me: positive and otherwise. Being busy means you have a life and also means you don't. As for me, I am on the unfortunate side. Thank God for the few friends I have near me (being always the youngest in my groups has it's major disadvantage: being left behind), I am still sane and social (every fortnight, at least).

Talking to old friends, they always tell me I have a lot going on in my life. I think, not. I may be right for choosing to apply for the AdHoc Head position for my last semester (But that doesn't mean they are right for choosing me, though! Haha). Without it, I will not be able to feel the rare nervous feeling due to pressure. One time, in my StratMan class, when I was late for class (How late? 10 minutes... before the class was dismissed! Haha), I went right in while smiling at my professor (unconsciouly, that is) and my prof commented that late comers should just be like that: smiling rather than appearing all sweaty. But of course, I didn't take it 100% positively. Knowing that professor, I know there is 50% sarcasm in it.My mom told me the other day, she was amazed at how I was able to keep myself so calm even though we were stuck in heavy traffic and I am already late for my class. Verbatim, "Bakit hindi ka na marunong nerbyosin?" And I answered her, "Anong sense mataranta, e alam ko na naman na late ako. Mapapalipad mo ba tong kotse?" Of course, her answer was no. If it had been yes, I would have felt a rush of excitement. I would yell (in my head, of course), Hooray, for something new happened!

So I am boiling it down to this: I am emotionless. I am indifferent. And I am well aware that I am just that now. I even resort to some weird measures just to relieve myself from being that. And I want to extend my apologies to those I had negatively affected during those times I relieve myself. I am not sure if I got this from being with Ivan (being poker-faced and carefree that he is, I can't help but think, somehow, I would be rubbed with some of those) most of the time. Although, I am happy I learned from the past. I stopped feeling down for not feeling at all. In the past, I ended up feeling sad for not feeling at all, which is bad, I know. But I think, in the past I was desperate to feel anything that I chose to feel down than to feel nothing at all.

If not for EA and my laziness, I don't have anything to claim as my worries. Not that I want problems, but (and I may sound twisted for saying this) I want to feel worries, if not happiness, just to feel alive. Happiness, it is not easy. Alpha might back me up on this, Happiness is not for everybody. So if ever it may not be for me, still I want to feel I am still living. Fortunately, though hanging by a thread, I think I am still alive.

I am talking nonsense again, I know. I am just blabbering here, as if anyone would care. Even I won't dare read my own entry. Pfft. How pathetic.

*****

I am inggit! Bebang watched Justin Timberlake's concert! Waaah! I want Justin! I have always wanted him even before I hit puberty! Hahaha! More so, now! Lol.

Wow, I am envious. I can feel! Hahaha. Is it even good? Like I care.

*****

I always get the "n months na lang, graduate ka na!" remarks from people. And the first time I heard it, it felt like I had been hit by pan straight on my face. If I managed with my Brand Management class (Am I too confident that I worry about my 177 class than feasib? Yeah, I think people would say so. Oh well, absences and tardiness always get me in a tight spot every time since highschool!), goodbye college life! One bagyo day, with nothing to do (like I have the initiative to do anything, anyway), I was just there, staring up at the ceiling and I realized, I only have two months left to spend with friends I have in Manila. Though eventually, I will be working in Manila, I can't do the things I am doing now in the future. That's for sure. Also, I am not even sure when I will be employed, right? Until then, I won't be able to see them. Before I knew it, I am already missing them.

Jean, marami pa tayong gagawin together before we graduate, right? With or without Caloy and Kevin, tutuloy tayo, okie? See you later!

*****

Alphie's first day at work is today! Yipee! Working girl na siya! But she's such a killjoy because she'll be working in Laguna. Wenk. Alphie, ganbatte~

P.S.
Excuse me if there are typo errors or grammars errors, I didn't check this entry before publishing. I am lazy. lol