Don't Even Bother Reading This

I feel weird about myself. Just last week, I was ranting about some stuff and I thought, it would be quite a while before I get over it, but no. I don't deny I had been really disappointed and irritated. But I think, I am starting to learn to detach myself, much thanks to Irina who gave me that idea. Still, I am a bit annoyed when he continues to talk about his crush, not because I am jealous. I was actually expecting to be jealous of the girl, but I am not and it feels weird. I am actually annoyed and disappointed how he can't find a better topic of discussion other than his crush. I mean, come on. I won't talk about my crush to a guy when I don't have anything else to say. And well, instead of getting totally pissed off about it, I chose to do Plan B. Not that I intentionally decided to have a Plan B, but I do have. But it isn't even serious.

By the way, a while ago, I was able to talk to him alone. And I was expecting that I'd be really happy about it. But I wasn't. It was as if he was just some friend, just someone. The only times I felt happy about it was when I reminded myself the guy I was talking to was my crush. And that's pushing it. I am supposed to feel happy about it if I really like the guy, regardless of whether I have a crush on him or not. And to remind myself that I am talking alone with my crush is a way of forcing myself to feel happy about it when I am actually not.

Maybe, the moment I knew he has a crush on someone, I already gave up. Maybe, I am too tired of hoping and waiting and wishing he'd look my way. Been there, done that. Thank you very much. Curiosity is over, and I now know the feelings I had felt were not great feelings after all. Feeling the hurt is actually refreshing, makes me feel human. But if I feel it too often, it only makes me look like an idiot, desperate. I keep on repeating the same mistake over and over again.

I rode the bus home to Cavite since my mom can't pick me up because she had to go to Tagaytay to buy meat or whatever for the fiesta. And surprisingly, I wasn't able to fall asleep during those 3 hours of travel. Too many things were running inside my head. And too bad, they were not even happy thoughts. I just keep on thinking without even knowing exactly what I am thinking of.

I need someone to talk to, seriously. Someone who would be really interested to know what's happening to my life, to me, when I don't even know myself.I try to tell some people what's happening to me, but the moment I open my mouth, they already have their judgment or just that they are not interested. I get judged by the things they see I have been doing. I am always been told off, "Don't do that." When they don't even know what exactly I am doing or why I am doing such. I might not exactly know why I am doing stuff, but I know I have a reason. And don't try to tell me what to do without even hearing me out, because I am a brat, I won't even try doing it. And if someone would be able to help me know, thank you.

This is another rant post, a think-out-loud post that no one will be commenting on, which is totally fine. We all do what we want and we hope it would make us happy.

And now I am talking non-sense.