everything but happy

i have never thought i would have come to a point where i am in now.sad.confused.lonely.alone.depressed.contemplating.lazy.moody.
unusually quiet.AFRAID.jealous.confident.everything but happy.

i was okay few days back.and i guess, i have never thought things could happen so fast, simultaneoulsy. Many things have happened so fast but it i never felt it ahd gone out of control. It just felt that because things came and went so fast, I was never given the chance to think about what just happened. It just passed without me fully understanding everything. But this time, everything has gone out of control.

I have just made a big decision. Drop Ba99.2 or not? for other CBA students, it was funny that i see it that way. Big decision. But it really is. My scholarship is at stake. Dropping is not an option moreover, failing. Both would result to one thing, no scholarship. And i chose to fight for the scholarship until the very end. At least i put up a good fight. At least I can face my mom and dad with a straight face, that I have tried my best. Hell with the profs!

I have been brave for the past few years if i must say so. Just like Math17, no turning back. As we say in 99.2, "laban kung laban". Fight 'til the end. And it was easy for acads. Because you ought to fight. But it is not applicable to every aspect of my life.

I have been brave. I have been honest and true to myself and to that person. A bravo to me and i know i deserve it. But do i still have the strength to go on or am i injuring myself further? Do i have to put up a good fight on this one or should i just "drop" it? I tis not easy to give up for me and hope for the best but it is also not easy for me to continue. Often times, I have to endure pain. And even if i dont want to admit it, I do. Liberating that i have been open and i would never regret being this honest. But it hurts everytime i have to catch a bullet or spear because apparenjtly, by telling, i just have thrown my shield and face the battle, armorless.

i dunno if it's proper that i thank this friday for having no classes because of the fact that there were a huge rally against GMA. But nonetheless, thank goodness for this day, I was spared from another day of battle. I guess have to hibernate for the weekend, doing nothing but read and search the net for info for my research paper. Maybe I'll be able to finish Love in the Time of Cholera and just enjoy the weekend.