On A Serious Note

The air smells so different to me now. Aside from the usual, as they call it, Simoy ng Pasko, and the scent of the typhoon that has just passed by, there is something new in the air. I must say, I happen to be encountering more and more of it: The Graduation Confusion.

I don't know if the semester-delay of me graduating is blessing in disguise for me, but I feel a less pressured compared to my other friends. The on-going question of Now, what's next? seems to be in their heads (and even in mine) a lot lately. Am I going to pursue higher studies? Or start working? Take my time off to sort things out perhaps? Or take another course I have always had a passion for? There are endless questions and what's worse, the answers don't come until they are actually there, facing the end of NOW and the beginning of ANOTHER CHAPTER. For others, it would be a rubicon: There is no going back. I actually feel a little luckier than others because I still have a year to really prepare and be concrete on what I would do after college. Though we all feel the same pressure, I am lucky I still have a year to really think about it. I have soft plans of what to do, but still, not concrete. Others would argue, the sooner they get it over and done with the better. But I won't argue back.

When I was young, back in pre-school until elementary, I had always wanted to become a doctor to the point of even dreaming of becoming a Filipina Scientist. But came highschool, I took a totally different mindset, I wanted to become a CPA-lawyer. Why? Because in high school, I found a reality about me: I am actually not good in science. Back in elementary, every things seemed to be easy and what was easy, that was what I liked, which was everything, THEN. In high school, every thing still felt easy but you realized, you don't really like everything right? So there, I realized I hate science even if I was doing great in science. The subject in Science (and even the whole of my High School life) that I got the lowest grade in was Biology. I got 87. My classmates would say that was their highest. I don't mean to brag about it, but of course, I have to compare it with my own. And from the subjects I took, Bio really was the lowest. Memorizing was really not my thing. Anyways, I realized, Science is not for me as early as 1st year. Although I did great in Science then and hadn't even taken up my Accounting subject, I had my mind fixed on becoming a CPA-lawyer.

During my fourth year in highschool, I already had my confidence that I will be able to become a CPA-lawyer. I did great in Accounting. I am actually competing with our Valedictorian and Salutatorian and within the year, I managed to become the 3rd on the list. I really had my mind fixed on this plan. It was written on stone.

Then came college. The one variable that made it impossible for me to reach my goal: U.P. Being in U.P. was a prestige, of course. But there came I time I was cursing U.P. for making my life miserable. I even cried to my Mom and what she told me was plain and simple: "Tinanong kita kung kaya mo. Pinili mo yan. Panindigan mo." After that dark phase in my life, I saw the light. The answer to my question is actually quite simple: Some thing's are not meant to be.

U.P. was actually a blessing to me. It made me realize that is not what I really want to do with my life. That the choices to be made in life do not have to be made because of pragmatic reasons but of passion and desire. And in my stay here in U.P., I realized what I really want to be, what I want to do with my life. Although, I am still not sure how to do it. I am a year away from my finish line, my deadline. Thoughts of the coming year cross my head more often than usual. Since the start of my senior year, my mom has been asking me of my plans in life. And unlike in my younger years, when I would answer her firmly of plans of actions, the answer I can just give her is, "I still don't know. Bahala na." And at some point, she would be irritated by my answer. The one time I told her I feel like I don't want to pursue law anymore, she asked me quite strongly why that is so. And I told her, I just don't see myself in that position anymore. Series of serious talks came after that and I guess, she already grew tired of hearing the same answer or that she was somehow satisfied with the answer I gave her: I would try for U.P. Law but if I don't pass, I won't pursue law anymore. That's it. Sometimes, she still bugs me with questions regarding the future and my plans, and I just tell her as usual, that she has to leave it up to me. Whenever I tell her, out of the blue of my real plans for the future, which involve learning foreign languages, clothing design, painting and piano, she would jokingly say, "That's the problem with having smart children, all they want to do is study."

I want to study further but by just doing that and nothing more, I will be very inconsiderate. It were all up to me, all I want to do is learn about new things. But I can't depend on my parents all my life. But I don't like working in a routinary setting! That's why I realized, having my own business is really for me. But I still need to work after college. And after that, what am I gonna do? I don't know. Still, the future ahead of me is unclear. How I would get there, I am still quite unsure of.

Although, I still feel lucky at times.

I feel lucky because at least I realized as early as now that the track I chose before was not the track for me and that it was not what I really wanted in life. Lucky are those who realized very early what they REALLY WANTED in life. They can already start weaving their dreams into reality.

To my friends who suffer the same confusion, I wish you all the luck. I know I am not in the position to give advices regarding this, so just treat this as part of my opinion. I think, whatever path you choose, YOU'LL BE GREAT! Whatever other people say and think about it, GO FOR IT! As long as you love what you're doing, you'll do great. But of course, passion is nothing without hard work. What is so good with having passion on what you do is that you have more drive to continue on. With passion, you'll do anything to achieve your dreams. Do not quit on your dreams. Work hard for it. SMILE even if it is difficult or even if you fall down along the way, it will make the burden a little lighter. And above all, PRAY. HE won't let you down.